It is there in the silence, THE WAITING of growth February 24, 2020 15:59

Last week on the day I chose for all my appointments was full of meetings with four different women who I have come to really enjoy and connect in ways I have missed in such a long time.  We have passed our one year mark here in the Midwest and let me tell you, its been all sorts of pain, uncomfortable, challenging times designed to show us what is next and its been a time of growing even closer than we ever have been and for that I've chosen to embrace it all.  I've chosen to give up control for LOVE because a controlling person is in most cases , someone seated in deep fear and most likely someone who is blocking what the wind is blowing or the sun is shining upon. In other words, its your own energy that is closing off the blooming of your garden that you have planted, its forced you to not grow and its pretty much has sedated all that you are into a deep black hole or a cement wall.
For me its been a time in waiting.......nothing wrong with what I'm doing or how my new life is unfolding .  The waiting is actually the peeling of all that I was into all that I can be . 
So , after that great ah ha day last week, I got home and as my friend Lisa promised, she sent a little passage that sounded just what I needed but she wasn't sure.  She asked me or told me, "I'm not sure" I said "SEND IT...who cares? , what do I or you have to lose ?"  So i get home and probably read one sentence and there it was, a message just like all the others we get just when we need them.... Those messages that come in due time and cause you to remind yourself that everything happens as it should and when you are ready.....
The chapter is WAITING...TRUSTING THE PROCESS, BY Doris Klein.
Before I even dived into it I got on amazon and ordered myself a used copy.  I thought, I owe it to myself to embrace this message and if the rest of the book wasn't anything it didn't matter.  Like the author she had gone through a similar thing I'm going through and who knows the details but she tried to paint and was a painter but nothing was coming to fruition and in the uncomfortable times I have been struggling to find and do the next best thing for me and my business.  I haven't been inspired nor did I have insight after the house was decorated and the rhythm of things started to form in where I was back to square one looking for the next best thing.
"it was a strange and uncomfortable struggle as I wondered what I was doing wrong. By Comparison, it seemed that everyone around me was profitably occupied and productive."
My husband and ROCK has just let me figure it out and has given me the time and space to quiet my fears .  In the waiting we are at a vulnerable place in the mystery of what is to come and I've lived so many of my years with a flow and a routine that led from being a top athlete in my younger years, a college student, and a small business entrepreneur with an identity.
My value and self worth was dependent on my productivity and performance in whatever was at hand.

"Because we so often become what we do, we tend to question our value and merit in times of inactivity "
This women was speaking words from my very soul and image of this current new path and life!!!
It was a time of being loved as the peace within girl instead of being loved for who we really are.
In the bare , nakedness of no identity and too much time on my hands.  Not producing or even being motivated led to feelings of incompetence with big panic and anxiety that I knew how to soften but didn't always know how to let go of.   Love was sinking in with my husband as it often does but then he was going through his own time of change also. 
"we realize the chaos of our busyness has become the garment of our self-definition "  Like what do I do NOW ?????
I've sat her trying to fill the space with what I know because sitting in it wasn't what I'm known to do as for years I've been a seeker and observer of anything and everything and never wanting to be judged or invalidated .
As women there is so much comparison and tying to find a place or a group that we would feel safe in or heard.  We called ourselves less than when we we rent as busy as the next person or when we tried to be seen but no one was looking because of their busyness and then the childhood triggers would arise and we would once again not be aligned in our own body but stretched across the distractions and spread so thin in emotion that we had to grab then next post before we fell back in the hole.

The way I've come out of it is this,  I do know my self worth but I am not always aligned or connected with it.  I've found great love and energy is just being connected with friends that have listened.  Old and new , the excitement in being in your body and sharing your story to someone who is also aligned in their body is what its all about.  
"some of our most profound and immeasurable development is taking place in the quiet within (peace within) "

Clarity comes in the waiting amid the confusion and the chaos .  Knowing that there is a message always give me a sense of trust and I do know deep down something big will arrive....WHEN ITS TIME.  And that is what I always remind myself.  I will also remind myself that my purpose is to pass this on as each of us has a story.  When we meet and go out into the world, remember to look at others as a story too and instead of talking about the surface stuff, see if they have the yearning for connection and are aligned with their own souls too.  So many good ones out there.  If you are reading this Lisa Faber, Thank you for passing this onto me and reminding me of my own light as we connected with our stories.