It is there in the silence, THE WAITING of growth February 24, 2020 15:59

The Big Move part 2 November 7, 2019 14:53

We are approaching the one year mark of being Midwesty in about 2 months.

Yesterday was a very emotional and sad day for me and I didn't feel like calling one of my bestie's and rehashing why Ive been in a hole off and on during this big move.  I was a little embarrassed by the fact that I was still learning and growing on this big new chapter.   In October I turned 52 and felt like 18 still at times as I have struggled with a new identity and unable to hide behind one that Ive hidden behind for a good 11 years and probably another few years before that.   The identity was simply "the peace within girl" or "the basketball standout "  "Becky " and so with this big move I had to become , Rebecca Dryden Armstrong again , naked and all without said identity.   Now I knew deep down that we are not our job titles and there is a lot in the universe that we flow around in.  But this move has forced me to unbecome again to become and well Ive been having a darn hard time with it and as my mother warned me...."its like a divorce" to make this big move and go where you do not know anyone etc etc.....

So late yesterday as I struggled in my office and tried to come up with some new art, it just wasn't bearing any fruit and I started to feel anxiety setting in....my heart started racing a bit and so I got up and went to the puzzle table and felt guilty about sitting at home playing with a puzzle and not figuring anything out or where I was going to go next and certainly the universe wasn't going to teach me anything when I was closing off all the good messages.....

So I put in a facetime to my beloved mother in law...Thank God she was available and the waterworks started to fall....not a trickle but a huge wave and my glasses started to fog up and the snots started to drip....and my dog was trying to console me by yanking on my sleeve.... I called her because she knows my husband the best since that is her first born.

My husband too moved from his beloved pacific northwest and he too is trying to establish himself in his new work surroundings and all and the stress of work has him lost in another planet...the planet where you eat together at the dinner table and you look across at your beloved and you have to knock on the door.....hello over there !!  are you there ?? can you hear me ????   So i started to tell him about my day and finally blurted it out....I'm lonely ....I see you everyday and our marriage is amazing and I know we are both on the same journey right now but I NEED SOME OF YOUR ATTENTION !!   There it was , I pulled the vulnerable , more snots card in fear that he was going to roll his eyes....but he met me with his loving eyes and said ," You know I love you right ???"   and I said yes," but we are not connected right now and so I'm hurting a little and just need your attention and then ill be good another few months.... "

So what is the moral of all this ?  Well Im growing some more and I want to share with you my story... I am not good at this , going low with the person you love the most but I have never like confrontation and isn't it silly that its easy to have confrontation with aquaintences etc and not with your spouse??  I asked for what I needed and even though I was vulnerable and feeling like crap I was actually taking care of me and my self worth.... and the way I asked it was in a calm sad state but I respected myself enough to ask !    and as much as our loved once dislike the hard conversations or the ones in where we are less confident, they see our strength and find us way more attractive when we are confident and taking care of ourselves.

Back to this whole new chapter.  I have been a way better wife and have been filling his needs but what about mine ??  and there has been so much in balance etc because I wasn't taking care of any of my needs and so it was and does come across as needy and low self esteem etc....

Fast forward to today....... This morning I woke up and was done with my workout before 8 am,I'm feeling on top of the world, loved, confident, happy and I'm giving myself more credit.   I did my weekly chat with my bestie on facetime and she told me how proud she was that I voiced what I needed for ME.   I informed my mother in law that it all went well.   We worked out together this am and I feel connected again and moving forward ......will it come up again ? yes ....Will it still be hard navigating this chapter??  Yes....will I keep getting my mojo back and out of the rabbit hole ? Damn straight !!!!

So after my workout I made my coffee and did my reading and of course the universe gave me some more insight and lessons knowing I was wide open to receive.

Ive written before about this and have talked about the importance before with my peace within line....No expectations...meet people where they are at... It has been irking me for some time now when I touched on a few months back about people drawing a line in the sand about who they were going to include in their life and who to toss or get rid of .  I was irked by people on facebook saying they were going to leave it all together and really they were just dying for attention and wanting to be drawn back....WELL...its totally okay because we all want to be heard and we all need attention so lets discuss this a little further here before I say adieu...

BOUNDARIES :  we have to have them in order to really live .  That is my next chapter and sister.....I'm not talking about getting rid of anyone or only surrounding yourself with...blah blah blah........I'm talking about YOU the person who doesn't have boundaries to change the way you move and word your story....the story you keep telling yourself....  It about putting boundaries for yourself...not getting rid of things or people  Us ladies who want to be liked or get to a stage where they gave up on people pleasing and still have no boundaries ...  We can be more compassionate with ourselves and with others when we keep ourselves out of resentment.  

"Compassionate people ask for what they need. They say no when they need to , and when they say yes, they mean it. They're compassionate because their boundaries keep them out of resentment" 

Brene' Brown

So where I'm going here is I picked up her book , "Rising Strong" because I felt like I'm digging myself out of the rumble and that is what the book is about.  Ive read so many of hers but I missed this one.

I just found it so powerful on her chapter on people and how they do the best they can and its so similar to my message of meeting people where they are at and no expectations.... BUT I'm so loving the interpretation of how we don't need to make these dramatic changes that are based in FEAR....we just need the boundaries because they lead to and make one open the jar of self worth and all the ways we sabotage ourselves in our relationships with even the people we love the most and if your married to a good one like mine, its hard for him to see me at my weakest because that is not who he married ....I'm the only one that can get back to my best self though...he can and does love me through it but he or the universe cant love me or move me or inspire me if I don't ask for it .

"How can we expect people to put value on our work when we don't value ourselves enough to set and hold uncomfortable boundaries ??" 

Brene' Brown

In closing ,"boundaries are a function of self respect and love"  Dang it shes so good, that Brene .. Be good to yourselves and if you are needing to be heard today....I hear you girlfriends , be vulnerable and ask for what you need and never look back.  AND...I'm coming back!! I'm rising out of this hole and im coming for ya !!