The 50 Club November 15, 2017 17:13

Whew! On October 2nd I became 50 and to be honest I was kinda excited. If felt like a club to join and a notion that I was gonna be alright.  A feeling of accomplishment of all the hard work I have done for many years. If felt safe to be ME from now on and I made some promises to myself that I was going to stop some bad habits.  To name a few , I am not gonna explain every "NO" answer or repress my feelings to family and friends.  I will no longer play the people pleaser card that I have used for so many years thinking it was a sign of loyalty. I will keep my personality cause that is me but the people pleaser card has been a sign of FEAR and also being loyal to everyone else but myself.  I no longer want to put myself 2nd or 3rd . I will still take care of my amazing husband and dog and I will be who I already am... I will continue to be open to seeing how much fear has played a part in my dreams and the vision I have for myself.

About a month ago I had a little hiccup in life where I was in a situation that was very familiar to me and I couldn't understand all the sadness, I broke down crying in the car on a road trip for peace within. I was crying all of a sudden and tears were flowing.  I was embarrassed and it was just me in the car alone.  When something happens in life that isn't a feel good moment, we tend to blame ourselves first and try to figure out everything and "FIX" it.  The time has already passed, there is no fixing.  Next , if your like me you'll go into a quiet place and hide, a cave like presence where you block anything and everything. It can be in the comforts of your home, that sometimes prison you go to for comfort.   I couldn't understand why I was sad when I should've been MAD with the situation because I didn't do anything wrong.  I may have not handled it the way I should have but I was in a "victim" mode when I wasn't a victim!!  I was doing this because this is what I have done in the past.

When I got home I was quiet with my hubby even though he is my biggest supporter and loves me more than life itself.  I was shutting him down too in a way, a nice way but this became a big thing that didn't even need to happen at all.. I shouldn't have been punishing myself or him.   He was about to take a work trip so I thought I will just duke it out and knowing he was gonna be gone, I would have a week to myself to figure it out.

This is not what happened, I decided to put myself first for once and change the story and my habits.  I got an old book out again and I needed a refresher.   My other thing about turning 50 was , there was no more trying to fix me , I am good RIGHT NOW....I may need a refresher here and now but its time to live in my own shoes from here on out.  I was able to facetime with my Mom who is ME, she is amazing to talk to and gave me a pep talk again and corrected some stuff that I was doing in my self talk.

What I know now is that Fear is in my life and I didn't know it.  It was surfacing as a childhood protective shield that I didn't realize was still there. I have kept with a habitual response to pain and suffering, I was always afraid of the what would happen next phase.  The things or people were not suffering, just me. I needed to work through the fear of what if in order to change my habits. I needed to stop alienating myself. I have done that for a good 40 years or so :) We all grow up in different childhoods and these forms are a result of how you responded to the the things you did and then you turn 50!

Maturity on my part has been a long time coming.  I Have evolved, truly and with this past month of incidents in what I shared my biggest lesson came from this problem.It is also my biggest triumph.  If only we would say Thank You to the things that happen to us instead of fighting the flow of life.  Its almost like a huge surf tide we get caught in and we never choose to swim away from it ...

In a nutshell the whole epiphany of the month was this, this was a lesson in maturity.  I chose to not imprison myself in the childhood feeling that I always needed to protect myself from the hard things.   KEYWORD, CHILDHOOD.....I was still protecting that little Rebecca. That is all I knew but i am now 50....ADULT..... 

Basically we have to nurture that little person in order to be unstuck in our habits.  Realizing the things we do to protect, is the sweetest pill I could ever swallow. It's so defining knowing that working through these moments of discomfort and life flow is the greatest gift you can give yourself.  Alienating and running in the opposite direction is giving Fear the win.  Fight through it and win for you. Love you and you add so much more love to your life and your relationships.